The Karnage

Some time ago, in the spirit of the "new media" (i.e. "Fake but accurate", but in this case, actually, you know, accurate, unlike the Rathergate memos...), a commenter known as "the abolitionist" at LGF created this Cliffs Notes version of the koran, entitled "The Karnage." The abolitionist explains,

Western culture, and all that we hold dear, is in mortal danger of being exterminated by a meme. The media play major roles in the spread of memes. Ditto schools and universities. So how does one combat a meme?

I have a little "fake but accurate" thing I'd like to share. Don't know if it's the right thing, but I'm inclined to agreed with George Patton's saying, that a good but flawed plan carried out right away is far better than a perfect plan executed much later.

As Homer Simpson would say, it's funny, because it's true!

The KARNAGE, part1: (Dedicated to Condi Rice; any similarities to any real book is just too damn bad.)

We are here. We are good. All around is them. Among us is them. They are not us. They do not bow down to alalalala.

They work hard for things, and they have much wealth. There are many fine things they have that you do not. You want those things too.

What to do? Work for them? Till the soil? Harvest? Keep goats? Catch fish? Weave cloth? Make bricks? Learn math? Build? Trade? Lead a caravan? Study? Write books? Teach? So many of those things are hard. Especially reading.

Keep it simple. Sword. Dagger. Fear. These things are so easy to learn. And to teach. Be no friend to the enemies of alalalala. Kill them. Find them. Kill them. Praise be to alalalala, and his messenger.

Find some more. Kill some more. Praise be to alalalala, and his messenger. Remember what our prophet said. You will get more with a bloody sword and asking nicely, than by just asking nicely.

Take their possessions as lawful booty, but give a thumbshare to your pharisyte, alalalala's representative on earth.

Take their wives and daughters, but offer some to alalalala's pharisyte. Any handmaidens you keep you may plow, just as you plow your fields, even if you have wives already. And what grows there is yours.

The bounty given to the pharisyte is not really his, but a testament to the glory of alalalala.

For it is by the will of alalalala, and not by your own hand that blood is spilled, the enemy's property collected, and their maidens posessed. They are only receiving alalalala's just punishment. They are guilty of being not us, and of resisting alalalala, the once true god. The one truce god. Something like that. Look it up.

Jews and christians have their golden rules. We have ours. Never never never forget the golden goose rule: Leave most of them alive, but full of fear and subdued. And be patient. They will make yet more booty, and yet more daughters. We live and die by that golden goose rule. Yet fools say we are not at all like them!

The KARNAGE part2:
The pharisyte stands between thee and the most high. The pharisyte can read the holy book and tell you how to make sense of alalalala's many messages.

Five times a day you should answer the call to prayer. That's when you put your head to the earth, stick your butt in the air, and think good thoughts.

It's a fine time to compare notes about who's the spiciest girl on the block, which one costs more, which one less, which one falls asleep, and which one tends to lose count after being paid once.

Plus, it's a good time and place to distribute weapons and marching orders. Sometimes those protected peoples just forget that they are not quite human like us, and they need reminding.

Men should always do ritual prayer together, never with women present. For the broad behind of a woman kneeling right in front of a man will give that man thots of jumping her bones. And that would be so unfair to another man who is trying to focus his thots for alalalala.

Whenever a man is doing his ritual prayer, it should always be another man's behind that is seen nearby. Or better, a young boy's. For it is forbidden for any man to love another man. A truly good and pious man will only love alalalala.

However, it is permitted for a man to love a boy. This is allowed, because being a boy is only temporary. And so any love for him is only temporary. But a man's love for alalalala is forever.

When any such boy grows to become a man, he must be replaced by another boy. Or a goat. Or a handmaiden. Or a wife.

Behold! There is but 1 god. And his name is alalalala. And how does alalalala love you? Let me count the ways: 0. Oooooh, that was SO easy! By the way, did you know we invented zero? Now you know why.

If you hear someone praising alalala, or alala, kill him, for he is lazy, or way tired from making new friends. Any man with lots of friends is dangerous. Let his friends find new friends. And may you remember always, the friend of my friend is my enema. Or something like that. Look it up.

And if you find someone worshiping alalalalala, kill him also. He is drunk, or happy, or has no short term memory.

Being drunk or happy in the sight of alalalala is bad, because is can lead to zina. Zina can make a man bond strongly to a woman. Such a man may think he has riches enough already, and will not want to go away for fighting the enemies of alalalala, and capturing booty and slaves for the pharisyte.

But having no short term memory is also very very bad. Such a man can do zina, then
forget that he has just done zina, and so do it again, then
forget that he has just done zina, and so do it again, then
forget that he has just done zina, and so do it again, then
forget that he has just done zina, and so do it again...

What was I saying? Oh yes. So never let a forgetful man near your woman.

Any questions?